Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, MS, MPH, CSAT, LMFT #88196

Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, LMFT

You deserve a beautiful life

Sex, intimacy, and relationship therapy

He's Just Not That Into You....Swipe Left?

I wanted to write this post and just put "he's just not that into you," and refer all my readers to read the exceptional book of the same title by Greg Behrend and Liz Tuccillo, but I figured not a lot of us have a couple hours to spare to workout, clean the closet or organize our pantry let alone read a good book, so I figured I'd just give you the basic premise because:

1. The movie by the same title was awful and was completely not what the book was about
2. It's incredibly true and honest and what all single, married and coupled-up people need to hear- both men and women

First of all, let's get real. Dating is hard, relationships are hard, marriage is hard, and divorce is really hard. But being in lust, falling in love, and getting to spend your life with your best friend is pretty awesome. The chemicals that are released into one's brain (dopamine, serotonin) when getting those butterflies after the first kiss are the same that flood one's brain when doing drugs. Yep; no wonder they say love makes us do crazy things. The love drug is au natural and real. It is addicting, erotic, emotional and tricky; very tricky. So I want to explain that if a guy or girl is not doing certain things, then they likely are Just.Not.That.Into.You.- no matter what your crazy brain chemicals are telling you. There is a difference between love and lust, and it's the same as the one between making someone waffles with a balsamic strawberry compote and French-pressed coffee and sneaking out the door without even bothering to leave the obligatory "this was fun, we should do it again sometime" note. We all basically want the same thing at the end of the day- if we are looking for a lasting relationship, that is. However, the other person may not be reading the same book as you, let alone be on the same page. So if you want to find real, lasting, fun and sexy love, and stop wasting your time, follow these tips:

He's just not that into you if he's (or she's) NOT:
  • Calling your back (not really applicable because no one calls on the phone anymore which is ridiculous, don't even get me started!). Or texting you, responding to your texts, Facebook-ing, etc. This is an easy one to remember: If they wanted to get in contact with you, they would. Period. No one's phone actually breaks or didn't have service that day. That's an excuse and another way of showing they don't care about you. Responding to a text message takes 5 seconds, not 5 hours.
  • Making time to hang out. No guy (or girl, because this is 2016 and not pre-sexual revolution) will not make time in their ''totally busy right now" schedule to see someone they want to have sex with. If neurosurgeons, CEOs,  and other incredibly busy people all around the world can find time to date, then the guy you met on Match who works at Petco can definitely get sushi with you.
  • Seeing you in the daytime. We all have been 21 and spent time with people who we will likely  never see again past the May-Dec romance expiration date. Those relationships (and I'm using that term very loosely) are all about the physical and you likely have nothing much in common with them besides indie movies and beer pong. But if you want to actually be the boyfriend or girlfriend of someone and they only text you after 10pm, doesn't ask you to sleep over, and always want you to come over to their place, that's a huge red flag. It's a relationship based on sex, not actual connection.
  • Introducing you to their friends or family. This one takes time because initially it's normal to not bring a stranger to Aunt Diane's birthday bash or your buddy Kevin's engagement party. But after dating for a few months, if you have never met his friends and all you know about his family is that he hates his mom or his sister's a "bitch," then something is seriously wrong. When you truly love and care for someone, you will want to tell everyone else special in your life about them. You want to literally shout it from the rooftops, not have them sneak out the back door at midnight.
  • Asking about you. Human beings as a species are incredibly selfish. We LOVE to talk about ourselves, that's a given. However, when falling in love, we also want to know everything we can about the other person. It's a phenomenon that is used to help imagine that person in our lives. Also, it's a way of building a connection by exploring shared interests. Not just the obvious (You like food? Me too! This is fate!), but deeper things that actually matter when you are choosing a potential girlfriend, not to mention a life partner. If your 'special someone' isn't asking you about your life (friends, family, job, goals, dreams, hobbies, you name it), they don't care. They want your beauty, your body, your....You get the picture.
  • Dating someone else or worse- married. There are some exceptions to this rule. After all, Paul Newman was married to his first wife, Jacqueline Witte, when he fell in love with Joanne Woodward, his wife of 50 years. However, for most people who cheat (married or not), it's a distraction from their feelings, an escape. It usually is not real love or commitment. If anything, they are proving that they do not honor or respect commitment because they are breaking their promise to be faithful. When someone is head over heels in love, they do not have a multiple of lovers. They have one.  So if you've been casually seeing someone for a month and she still is often 'busy' or has yet to have the exclusivity talk- she's likely knocking boots with someone that isn't you. Would you want to be someone's second choice? No, of course not. By all means, you can have the "it's just me or I'm leaving" conversation, but really, wouldn't you prefer they choose you without being pressured? They are just not that into you. Move on.
I hope these tips have given you all some knowledge and not made it seem like dating is pointless or hopeless. The old adage of 'you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince' is cheesy but really true. There is literally someone for everyone (example: the fattest man alive got married), you just have to not give up on finding that person for you. I'm not talking only one soul mate in the whole wide world (isn't that defeating!), but one person who you like, who likes you, and who is fun to both talk to and get naked with for more than 5 minutes. It's as simple (and complicated) as that.