Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, MS, MPH, CSAT, LMFT #88196

Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, LMFT

You deserve a beautiful life

Sex, intimacy, and relationship therapy

He's nice but....

Today I'd like to talk about a couple of issues that have been on my mind lately. One: do you think that, when you meet someone you'd like to date long-term, you need to feel that 'spark'? I'm not talking about the so-called true love at first sight thing (which can happen in my opinion, but I call it lust at first sight instead), but a butterflies in your stomach, this guy/girl is special feeling. Can that feeling grow over time? I think it depends on the person, because if someone needs to feel that, they won't date someone for very long without it. They need the sizzle, like when you drop a nice juicy steak into a hot skillet. Other people give love time, they let it simmer like a rich, delicious stew. (Okay, enough with the food metaphors!) But what I'm getting to is that you shouldn't take it personally if someone is a sizzler (needs the spark) doesn't want to date you, a simmer-er. You need different things. And who knows, maybe you'll meet someone who'll change your mind and you'll feel that 'spark' and will be grateful you didn't waste any more time on someone who really wasn't right for you anyway.

The other issue that's been on my mind is mate bashing. You know, when you're with your girlfriends or guy friends and you secretly say all the stuff that bugs you about your significant other. Why? Sometimes you don't want to brag if you're really happy, other times you need to vent and find some camaraderie, and also you might like the "you are such a great girlfriend" and "you put up with a lot with that chick" things your friends say. While I know it's not directly harmful because your mate isn't standing behind you when you say these things, it still stinks. Would you like knowing your man told his guy friends about how you never pay for dinner or hate morning sex? No, it's private and some things should be kept between the couple. I'm not saying it's sooo awful if you occasionally say a thing or too that bugs you- but try telling your friends and family all the great stuff he/she does. How they always cover you with a blanket when you fall asleep on the couch. How they surprised you at work with roses one time. How they let you choose the restaurant because they want you to get whatever you want. How they bring you aspirin and water when you're too hungover to move. It's important to share the good things too because it lets your friends get a better picture of the person you're with. If you only say all the bad stuff, of course your friends aren't going to like your mate! And then it's awkward when you want everyone to all hang out together. So be nice (most of the time) and don't feel bad about bragging occasionally or letting the occasional "he drunk-dialed my mom" story slip. As long as he doesn't do it twice. :-)