Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, MS, MPH, CSAT, LMFT #88196

Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, LMFT

You deserve a beautiful life

Sex, intimacy, and relationship therapy

Let's Talk About Sex Baby...

Sex is a sensitive subject for many people. It's the most intimate thing you can do with another human being. I know people say that you can have sex without feelings, that having a deep conversation about your thoughts and goals is more intimate than hooking up on a random Friday night, but I disagree. In my opinion, you are at your most vulnerable when you're literally inside another human being. Since it's so private, there are a million psychological issues associated with sex. The most common sexual dysfunction (as my studies have taught me recently), is inhibited sexual desire in women. According to the Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy by Gurman and Jacobson, "the initial romance love/passionate sex desire found in premarital and extramarital sex does not maintain desire in ongoing relationships." As someone who's been with their partner for 5 years, I can attest to that. That doesn't mean you're doomed to lose all your desire for your partner after the butterflies wear off, but it's completely normal to not have that same "I gotta have you now, you're all I can think about, I don't need food or water or anything but your body!" feeling after a few years. You have to work a little harder to keep things fresh and different. For women, "being non-orgasmic during intercourse is a normal variation, not a dysfunction." That doesn't mean you should just accept that you don't get off during sex. That is not okay. Couples need to find a way to develop their sexual style. Women especially shouldn't feel scared to speak up and ask for what they want.

Here are some steps for women to reach orgasm with their partner:
-multiple stimulation is key, lots of foreplay, identify "orgasm triggers" in masturbation and generalize these to intercourse, request and guide stimulation, make the transition to intercourse at her request, and use her own hand to help get her excited. Sex therapy uses a technique called sensate focus, which is about slowing things down and allowing a couple to just enjoy each other's bodies with no pressure for sex or orgasm. Don't feel bad if you take 30 minutes to come and he takes 3. You each are entitled to pleasure and it's part of being in a relationship to give pleasure to your partner. Women are also more emotional when it comes to sex. Or anything, for that matter. Anger, resentment, or other issues are tied to our sexual appetite. When a girl's husband is a jerk, she doesn't want to jump in the sack. Of course, I'm generalizing here, but you get my drift.

Finally, try to remember that it's not a race, and not every sexual interaction has to end in each of you simultaneously orgasming in the throws of passion- that's a movie sex scene. Just enjoy each moment, smell, touch, kiss, feeling. Sometimes you might not get off, and that's okay. As long as you try. Don't just accept that you 'never' have orgasms. Relax and don't beat yourself up if you don't though. You're human, and that means your sexuality comes in waves. No one 'gives' you an orgasm- you're responsible for your own pleasure. Hopefully all these tips are helpful. Finally, remember the golden rule I always repeat: communicate, communicate, communicate- especially about sex. It's sometimes awkward, just like sex can be. But it will only make your sex life better- as long as you remember the couples communication rule: 5-1: 5 positive statements for every negative one. So every "I don't like it when you bite my lip" is supplemented by "I love it when you kiss me softly, hold me tight, touch my thigh, scratch my back, pull my hair, etc." Because every medicine goes down a whole lot better with a spoonful of sugar.