I could never be in the military. Don't get me wrong- I think it's amazing that people from all walks of life are able to devote their lives to serving our country. I'm just too weak and scared to ever try. So instead I say THANK YOU to all those out there who do. Today I was at work when I met a woman and man dressed in military fatigues. We began to talk and when I mentioned I was in school to become a marriage and family counselor, she gave me some great advice. The kind military lady told me about how you need to discuss certain things with your mate. She also told me that if you rub a guy's feet while you're dating, he'll expect it forever, so be careful spoiling your mate too much! Her words mimicked the advice I just learned in school, which is that it's SO important to talk about practical stuff before you get serious/move in/get married. Things such as: what chores each of you will do, how you'll raise the kids, what's your basic view of life, how you spend money, what's your religion and would you convert if you had kids or got married, whose family you'll spend the holidays with, where you want to live, etc. It's not sexy, or fun sometimes, but it's essential. You don't want to suddenly wake up and realize that you desperately want to move to Europe for a year while your boyfriend wants to buy a house and get married within 6 months. Take it from me (I've been there)- being honest now will save you a lot of heartbreak later. Plus, all these questions really help you ultimately become closer to your partner. You know their favorite beer, but do you know where they want to be in their career in 5 years? Ask the questions (not too early on in the relationship though- that can freak someone out) when you're in a serious relationship- you both deserve to know the answers.
Just Friends?
I want to tackle to age old question today: can men and women just be friends? Furthermore, can a couple make friends independently that are of the opposite sex, after they've gotten together? Being in a relationship comes with some negotiation in regards to friends. Whose friends will you hang out with? Will you friends go together well? These questions can't be answered by a generic, simple response because every couple and relationship is different. What I can say though, is that, if you can't trust your man to talk/text/hang out with a friend of the opposite sex for a reasonable amount of time (they can't see them more than they see you!), can you really trust them at all? Isn't that what trust is about? That said, it's normal to be a little jealous if you girl has a guy-friend. You think "He just wants to sleep with you" and hey- maybe he does. But she's with YOU, not him, for a reason, and that won't change as long as you two have a strong relationship that she's committed to. I used to get a little (okay more than a little) green envy when my boyfriend would casually mention any girl friend he talked to, or even past girlfriends he had. It was when he got genuinely upset with my behavior and got tired of telling me nothing was going on that I stopped. My insecurity was pushing us apart, not his behavior. But while that turned out well, there have also been times when my "woman alert" as I like to call it, has gone off, and I've been right. Lesson? Listen to your gut- it's never fails you. Have friends that are men, friends that are women, and friends that you two have in common as a couple. Be cool (NOT controlling) about your partner's friends- they're his friends and he has every right to have them. It's his life, not yours. Trust is something we all want to rely on, until it's broken. Listen to your gut for any warning signs, but also give him the same trust he gives you. And a little jealousy can be cute and sexy, if it's done that way instead of an insecure way. It kind of reminds your partner you care. Keyword here is a little. Because no one wants to date their parents-i.e. "Those friends are a bad influence on you." Saying "Hey, why don't you do your thing, I do mine, and we meet up later for a drink?" Much better. Pulling away allows your partner to miss you. It's rubber band rule of dating: the more you're loose and understanding, the easier things are. The more uptight and rigid you are, the more tense are. (weird metaphor, just go with it) Because, would you really want to be with someone who won't "let" you do stuff? No, and neither would your mate. It's called dating people, not prison.
What's Between the Ears...
Okay so I know that's a random title for a blog post, but today I was watching Dr. Phil and I actually learned something. I know he's kinda of a cheesy and not a real doctor, but he had an interesting show on marriage counseling. This one featured couples on the brink of divorce. The men were chauvinists, batterers, and all-around troubled guys. The women were victims, codependents, and pretty much miserable in their marriages. In one of his interventions, he had three different married women come to talk to the men in these troubled relationships. These women were strangers to the men, but offered some really great advice I want to share with you.
1. Never walk away from a fight. If you're getting so heated that you can't take it anymore, say something (as calmly as you can) such as, "I need some time to calm down. Let's finish this discussion in the morning when we both have had time to think. I think I'll be able to understand your point of view better then, I'm too upset now." That way she/he won't see you as walking away from the fight, more as taking a breather so you can better understand him/her better later- it's pacifying. Wording counts. Saying "Get out of my face!" will only make your partner want to get more in your face-it's antagonizing.
2. A woman's sex drive is in between her ears. (as in, her brain) Tell her she's beautiful, special, sexy, appreciated. That will make her more horny than any music/flowers/song/wine ever will. Also, expecting anything sexual is also a huge turn-off. No one is 'supposed' to have sex with you. And why would you want to be with someone who feels it's just their 'duty' to be with you intimately? However, if you tell your woman she's the love of your life (and mean it, don't just say it to get sex)- now that's sexy.
3. Do things for each other that you know you like, just because. For example, if he loves kung pow chicken, bring it home for him when he's had a long day. Or if she loves Skittles, surprise her with a pack on your next movie date. It's as corny as ever, but it really is the little things that count. Doing sweet things not to get something in return, but just to make your partner happy, that is love.
1. Never walk away from a fight. If you're getting so heated that you can't take it anymore, say something (as calmly as you can) such as, "I need some time to calm down. Let's finish this discussion in the morning when we both have had time to think. I think I'll be able to understand your point of view better then, I'm too upset now." That way she/he won't see you as walking away from the fight, more as taking a breather so you can better understand him/her better later- it's pacifying. Wording counts. Saying "Get out of my face!" will only make your partner want to get more in your face-it's antagonizing.
2. A woman's sex drive is in between her ears. (as in, her brain) Tell her she's beautiful, special, sexy, appreciated. That will make her more horny than any music/flowers/song/wine ever will. Also, expecting anything sexual is also a huge turn-off. No one is 'supposed' to have sex with you. And why would you want to be with someone who feels it's just their 'duty' to be with you intimately? However, if you tell your woman she's the love of your life (and mean it, don't just say it to get sex)- now that's sexy.
3. Do things for each other that you know you like, just because. For example, if he loves kung pow chicken, bring it home for him when he's had a long day. Or if she loves Skittles, surprise her with a pack on your next movie date. It's as corny as ever, but it really is the little things that count. Doing sweet things not to get something in return, but just to make your partner happy, that is love.
In a Funk
No I'm not talking about loud, vibrant music you jive turkey! (it's obvious I'm white by that awful sentence) I'm talking about being "in a funk" Feeling sluggish, bored, or sad for no reason at all. Recently I've experienced being in a funk with my partner. I think lots of couples can identify with this feeling. You love each other and everything is great, but there's just something missing sometimes. Long-term relationships go through peaks and valleys, it's important to remember this and not freak out and think you're "making a huge mistake" when you're really just in a 'down' period. Things can't be red-hot and super exciting forever- it's just not realistic. Love, compassion, friendship- these are the qualities that should never fade in a relationship. But 'I got to have you now' passion and interest in each other varies over time. The passion you felt for each other initially may have been masking a difference in levels of sexual desire. Now that the steam has lifted, you're left wanting intimacy once a week in the morning while he prefers it every night. This can get frustrating. Often couples aren't in the mood at the same time. In fact, only 50% of marital sex in happy couples occurs when both partners are in the mood or orgasmic. The other 50% of the time it takes an effort to get turned on at the same time. As far as my 'funk' goes, I think the lesson I've learned is to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Ladies, gents, please relax and refrain from getting really hurt or upset if your partner isn't in the mood, or is busy at work, or needs a 'guys' or 'girls' night. Like I've said before, being apart is actually healthy for a relationship. You need to be apart so you can appreciate your love and remember how life would suck if they weren't around. I would possibly be sitting alone on my couch with several cats eating two-day old Chinese takeout...Who knows? Hopefully my funk will fade soon. Until then, I'm going to take care of myself (nothing makes you feel LESS in the mood than feeling unattractive or fat), stay busy, and continue to remind my partner how wonderful and sexy and amazing he is. Those little kisses and touches are just as important as a steamy date night. And both those things (giving compliments and affection) only help improve a relationship.
Great Post
Short post today- just was re-reading my wonderful book "Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy" edited by Gurman and Jacobson that I've mentioned before on the blog, when I saw a great quote I wanted to share with you guys. In essence, it's about a healthy couple. A healthy relationship is best viewed within the context of the individual partners, the couple, and the couple's environment. A healthy couple relationship is "one in which both individuals contribute to the well-being of the relationship as a unit. This means both partners have formed an effective partnership- reaching decisions and resolving problems effectively, developing a sense of intimacy and caring, communicating constructively, engaging as a couple in a variety of mutually rewarding and engaging activities..." (pg.29) Great advice- and true. It's not totally romantic, but a good way of looking at being in a couple. It is a bit like a partnership in business, only it's in love. You make compromises, agree to do certain things in exchange for what you want, and you make time to be together to get things done that will benefit both of you. There's a lot of "How about I do this ________ and you do _______, that okay with you?" Bargaining is an important skill to learn because no one wins when you fight so hard to get your way, you create a huge argument over something trivial. Pick you battles people! It's not that big of a deal if he won't pick up his clothes. Don't let it drive you crazy. Just agree that you'll pick up his clothes, if he picks up the check! (or something like that, work it out best for what you both want)
My First Engagement Post
My first engagement post; something I found from 2011. Today we are almost 10 years together:
Found my lobster....
Found my lobster....
So I got some unexpected but wonderful news this past week....I'm officially engaged! As great as that is, I actually sort of never thought I would ever get married. Not that I don't want to, I do. But I never thought I'd be so lucky as to find that one person who I love and enjoy being with more than anyone else and have them choose ME to be with forever. It's incredibly flattering when the guy you think is attractive, funny, smart, kind and loyal chooses you, you don't just choose them. Don't get me wrong- my relationship hasn't always been rainbows and puppies. It's taken 5 years of laughter, tears, fights, and regrets to get here. We have both made some pretty bad mistakes. But, we realized that we're in this for the long haul, and in the end, there is no one out there who makes me as happy as he does. We overcame our regrets. If I could offer up any humble advice to the single people out there, it's this: find a partner who you find incredibly special, and who finds you incredibly special. That's it. It's like the age old question of "how do I lose weight?" Uh, eat less and workout more. Simple. Love is the same. Yes, relationships are very hard and take negotiation, lots of communication (about likes, dislikes, sex, fun, morals, chores, etc), and a forgiving attitude, but in the end you need that one basic ingredient. It's like making cookies without the butter. It just won't stay together. You got to want to be with that person and find them desirable- big time. If a girl is wishy washy about you and always is "busy?" Not gonna last. Does he text you occasionally saying "Let's hang out soon?" He's not ready. Or you're not his lobster. (lobsters mate for life) Everyone deserves someone who will look at them like they're the best thing since sliced bread or color TV. (or PlayStation and hot sauce in my case) In return, you treat that person with kindness and respect, love and loyalty. That's all life is really about. I feel like I don't deserve the man I'm going to marry he is that lovely. I am so lucky. And that's a wonderful feeling.
Being Nice without the Mask
They say we're nicer to strangers than to the people we love. It's sad but true- we often are our most grumpy, bitchy, and plain old rude to the most important people in our lives but sweet as apple pie to random strangers. I have a theory on this phenomenon. I think it's because we wear a mask, or a suit of armor in the outside world. It's a method of protection. We are ourselves, but there's a little bit of acting that goes on too. You know, that extra effort you make to look good, be funny, charming and nice? When you get home, the last thing you want to do is fake it. You want to be real, just relax and let it go. Hence the fuzzy socks and hideous sweatpants that make you look like a 50 year old mom from Wisconsin. (i.e.not hot) But while I know you can't 'give up' every time you're at home, for me it's important that I can be completely myself in my own home with my partner. Guys, you know what I mean: undershirt, no pants, Chinese food resting on your belly and hair that looks like it's been through a tornado while the rest of your body stayed put. Girls, it's the same story: raggedy track pants from high school, a faded tank top with no bra, hair on top of your head in a scrunchy, and most importantly: no makeup. Besides the physical unmasking, there's the realness that I like about being home. You don't have to pretend to be in a good mood if you aren't. I'm not saying it's okay to be a jerk to your spouse, but you can be real, honest, and just 'you' without feeling bad about it. It's refreshing and why home is such a sanctuary from the world. No mask, literally or figuratively. We can kiss passionately, playfully grab each other's butts, say outrageous things- all the stuff that's a bit taboo in public, depending on where you are. At home, it's a refreshing freedom to say and do whatever you want with the person you actually want to be with. You aren't being nice because you have to, it's because you want to.
My Second Engagement Post
This is another post from when I got engaged to my husband of 3 years. It's funny looking back at how time changes everything and nothing at the same time...
So....I'm Engaged!
So....I'm Engaged!
So now I'm officially engaged, so I won't be a hypocrite anymore telling people how to have successful relationships! It feels weird but also completely natural. It's the next step in a relationship but lots of couples do it for that reason- not because they really want to. It's just 'what you're supposed to do.' You either break up or you get engaged. After several years together, those are your choices. For me, it feels like I am just so lucky. I get to be with my best friend forever. And we get to have sex? This is awesome! Seriously though, for all the ups and downs we've been through I feel happy to be here. It took me years to realize what I had right in front of me. I thought "oh I love him, but he's not xyz" or "do I have to live with his annoying habit forever?" I didn't get it that great guys who are caring, funny, hard-working and cute don't grow on trees. You find someone you love who loves you back? And they treat you better than anyone has ever treated you? You hold onto that person and never let go.
On the practical side, I got to plan a wedding now. I wish I had a million dollars to have this amazing big day. But I'm not rolling in the dough- and it's hard to plan a wedding when you A. don't have money and B. aren't a girly-girl who's dreamed of pink place settings and sparkly dresses her whole life. So I'm just going to do my best. That's all you can do. In life, in your marriage, in your job. A wedding is one day. Your relationship is for the rest of your life (hopefully). What's really important- perfect dress or the person you love?
On the practical side, I got to plan a wedding now. I wish I had a million dollars to have this amazing big day. But I'm not rolling in the dough- and it's hard to plan a wedding when you A. don't have money and B. aren't a girly-girl who's dreamed of pink place settings and sparkly dresses her whole life. So I'm just going to do my best. That's all you can do. In life, in your marriage, in your job. A wedding is one day. Your relationship is for the rest of your life (hopefully). What's really important- perfect dress or the person you love?
Take Yourself Too Seriously and You'll End Up Alone
I met a couple at work one night who had been happily married for over 18 years and just found out their son was going to Westpoint. They were affectionate and seemed genuinely still in love. As I do with all couples I've waited on in the past that I have built a connection with, I asked them "what's your secret to making your relationship work?" I want to compile all these answers and share them with you dear reader! Here's what they said, and what other couples have told me over the years.
1. Laugh at yourself, each other, together. Laughter is key to keeping your relationship fun.
2. Have fun together (try new things: snowboarding, karaoke, dancing, travel, or just a new restaurant)
3. Make time for each other (don't neglect your date night or your sex life)
4. Make time for sex- this is essential. You did not marry this person to be your best friend only. They are your best friend and your lover. Nourish both parts of the equation- even when you're tired.
5. Marry someone you actually like. (not just want to have sex with all the time- see #4) You're going to be stuck with them for the next 50 years or so, long after you both lose your looks so make sure you still have things in common after your boobs touch the floor and his face looks like a wrinkled paper bag.
6. Let the little things go. And the mistakes. (Does the fact that he chews with this mouth open bug you- yes of course. But does it make or break your relationship? No! Also, if one of you made a huge mistake 3 years ago but you both choose to forgive and move on, you really have to forget about it, or else you'll never truly feel happy and safe with your partner. Let. It. Go. You both deserve to be happy.)
7. Admire that person. No one stays with someone for 20 years when they think they're an idiot or they are a bad person. You have to respect at least one huge thing about your partner. (something not physical)
8. Be able to get along with their families.
9. Common interests. Sure, you might not have known much about Formula1 Racing 5 years ago, but now you know that Michael Schumacher is the greatest driver in history. A common passion is fun!
(see #2)
10. Be nice to each other. Even when the kids are screaming, the dogs are barking, you're on 2 hours of sleep and you have a sink full of dirty dishes and a huge presentation due for work tomorrow- be nice. You're in this together.
1. Laugh at yourself, each other, together. Laughter is key to keeping your relationship fun.
2. Have fun together (try new things: snowboarding, karaoke, dancing, travel, or just a new restaurant)
3. Make time for each other (don't neglect your date night or your sex life)
4. Make time for sex- this is essential. You did not marry this person to be your best friend only. They are your best friend and your lover. Nourish both parts of the equation- even when you're tired.
5. Marry someone you actually like. (not just want to have sex with all the time- see #4) You're going to be stuck with them for the next 50 years or so, long after you both lose your looks so make sure you still have things in common after your boobs touch the floor and his face looks like a wrinkled paper bag.
6. Let the little things go. And the mistakes. (Does the fact that he chews with this mouth open bug you- yes of course. But does it make or break your relationship? No! Also, if one of you made a huge mistake 3 years ago but you both choose to forgive and move on, you really have to forget about it, or else you'll never truly feel happy and safe with your partner. Let. It. Go. You both deserve to be happy.)
7. Admire that person. No one stays with someone for 20 years when they think they're an idiot or they are a bad person. You have to respect at least one huge thing about your partner. (something not physical)
8. Be able to get along with their families.
9. Common interests. Sure, you might not have known much about Formula1 Racing 5 years ago, but now you know that Michael Schumacher is the greatest driver in history. A common passion is fun!
(see #2)
10. Be nice to each other. Even when the kids are screaming, the dogs are barking, you're on 2 hours of sleep and you have a sink full of dirty dishes and a huge presentation due for work tomorrow- be nice. You're in this together.
Happy Wife Happy Life...Corny or Actually True?
So one night when I was waitressing I was serving a group of 6 at my restaurant. They were all really cool, laughing and talking to each other. They just seemed really happy and content. They shared food and wine, held hands, ordered for their dates, and pulled out the ladies chairs when they got up. It was obvious there were three distinct couples. I asked them how long they'd all been married. They said their combined years of marriage was about 135. That's crazy for these days of 72-day reality TV "marriages" and a 50% divorce rate. I recently read a quote by Debra Messing that said that 100 years ago people died in their 40s, so "forever" meant a much different thing than it does today with people living well into their 90s. As someone who is fairly newly married, I've been thinking a lot about how to keep my marriage together. How do you beat the odds and make it last? Why does any relationship last or end? Certain unions are meant to end. Let's be honest. If you're 19 and dating a guy who barely speaks English and you have nothing in common with- you probably won't be together for a really long time. But then again, sometimes people in traditional cultures are still set up on blind dates or unions and stay happily married for 50 years. What is the magic ingredient that makes the recipe of marriage end up happy and loving for more than the initial 'honeymoon' phase? Well I asked those three very nice couples their secrets. Here's what they said:
1. Like the title of this post: Happy wife, happy life. This gentleman said, "I try to make her happy," to which his wife replied, "I try to make him happy too." I heard this advice a month ago when I asked a couple celebrating their 10 year anniversary how they stayed together. The wife said she always puts her husband first. My mom once told me how important this is in a marriage. Put your relationship, your partner, before yourself or your kids. That sounds weird, but if you don't have a happy relationship then that could lead to divorce, which, as a child of divorce, you do not want. Trust me.
2. Compromise. You aren't going to get your way every time, and neither will he. Find a middle spot where you both can be satisfied. Example: Not in the mood for sex but she's frisky? Agree to make out or take a shower together. That way you get the closeness of an intimate act without doing something you aren't in the mood for or are too tired to do.
3. Accept them as they are. I LOVE this advice. I'm a big fan of NOT changing your partner. It's just not fair. Would you want someone to be with you for what they want you to be, or for who you really are? Yeah, sometimes I break glasses, drive horribly, am socially awkward and don't listen. But my husband loves me regardless. We are not perfect. No one is. I overlook his flaws and he overlooks mine. Your partner should be your cheerleader/coach/friend, not your parent/disciplinarian. Of course you won't always agree or even like them. I can't tell you how many times I've thought "You're a jerk!" But I get over that fleeting feeling and remember his faults and how I have to accept him for all of him...not just the pretty parts. There has to be forgiveness as well, through things that you can get over. It may be a forgotten birthday, job change, long-distance, illness, accident, broken promise, or even infidelity. These things can tear people apart, and they do. It's not easy to learn from a mistake and move on, but it is possible if BOTH people are committed to the relationship. You can't be in a marriage by yourself.
Anyone can put on a good front for the beginning of a relationship. That's why it's so fun to fall in love. You don't worry about if they'd be a good dad or if they'd help you do the dishes. You wear makeup to bed and secretly brush your teeth before they get up. Heck you're lucky if you get a shower some days, let alone have time to look good. Fifty years of being with the same person? That's not infatuation or lust. That's really loving another person, unconditionally. Now I'm sure those couples weathered a lot of storms over the years- they also had a combined total of 15 children! Who knows what types of problems they've had to weather. But they made it work. We can only listen to their advice because they've been there, done that. I hope one day too I'll be sitting in a nice restaurant, smiling and still enjoying my husband's company after half a century.
1. Like the title of this post: Happy wife, happy life. This gentleman said, "I try to make her happy," to which his wife replied, "I try to make him happy too." I heard this advice a month ago when I asked a couple celebrating their 10 year anniversary how they stayed together. The wife said she always puts her husband first. My mom once told me how important this is in a marriage. Put your relationship, your partner, before yourself or your kids. That sounds weird, but if you don't have a happy relationship then that could lead to divorce, which, as a child of divorce, you do not want. Trust me.
2. Compromise. You aren't going to get your way every time, and neither will he. Find a middle spot where you both can be satisfied. Example: Not in the mood for sex but she's frisky? Agree to make out or take a shower together. That way you get the closeness of an intimate act without doing something you aren't in the mood for or are too tired to do.
3. Accept them as they are. I LOVE this advice. I'm a big fan of NOT changing your partner. It's just not fair. Would you want someone to be with you for what they want you to be, or for who you really are? Yeah, sometimes I break glasses, drive horribly, am socially awkward and don't listen. But my husband loves me regardless. We are not perfect. No one is. I overlook his flaws and he overlooks mine. Your partner should be your cheerleader/coach/friend, not your parent/disciplinarian. Of course you won't always agree or even like them. I can't tell you how many times I've thought "You're a jerk!" But I get over that fleeting feeling and remember his faults and how I have to accept him for all of him...not just the pretty parts. There has to be forgiveness as well, through things that you can get over. It may be a forgotten birthday, job change, long-distance, illness, accident, broken promise, or even infidelity. These things can tear people apart, and they do. It's not easy to learn from a mistake and move on, but it is possible if BOTH people are committed to the relationship. You can't be in a marriage by yourself.
Anyone can put on a good front for the beginning of a relationship. That's why it's so fun to fall in love. You don't worry about if they'd be a good dad or if they'd help you do the dishes. You wear makeup to bed and secretly brush your teeth before they get up. Heck you're lucky if you get a shower some days, let alone have time to look good. Fifty years of being with the same person? That's not infatuation or lust. That's really loving another person, unconditionally. Now I'm sure those couples weathered a lot of storms over the years- they also had a combined total of 15 children! Who knows what types of problems they've had to weather. But they made it work. We can only listen to their advice because they've been there, done that. I hope one day too I'll be sitting in a nice restaurant, smiling and still enjoying my husband's company after half a century.