Date Night

If you live with the person you love, you tend to see them a lot. You brush your teeth together in the morning and at night, battle over TiVo space, and share those oh-so-fun chores like cleaning hair out of the shower drain and doing the dishes. You tend to do a lot of the stuff you didn't do when you were first dating. No taking two hours to get ready to make sure you're scrubbed, lotioned, and perfumed. No chewing minty gum all the type in preparation for those impromptu kisses. And no wearing sexy underwear (matching sets, preferably) to bed. After a couple years, it's more like his old undershirts and maybe some cute pj bottoms. While there is a wonderful intimacy that comes from being completely comfortable around your partner, there is a loss of shine in a long-term relationship. You simply don't have to try as hard anymore. It's game over, you've won. But how then do you keep the relationship special and sexy when you share a toilet? Here are ten tips for keeping each other interested year after year. In truth, you DO have to try hard, just in a different way:
1. Kiss each other hello, goodbye, good morning, and good night- everyday
2. Make time to get dressed up and go out together (happy hours are a great cheap option)
3. Cook for each other- food is love
4. Surprise each other with a special present (it can be big or small, like a video game, movie, or flowers)
5. Do something to help your partner out- if they need to go to the post office but don't have time, help them out
6. Take a little extra time to get ready- for yourself and your partner. Feeling great about yourself is important because it helps remind your partner that you're hot and they're lucky to have you!
7. Give compliments to each other
8. Remember to say thank you for things- don't take each other for granted
9. Do new things together (mini golf, picnic, car racing, baseball game, etc.)
10. Take turns giving and receiving in the bedroom, and change it up. Even something as fun as sex can get boring and routine if you do it the same every time. Use your imagination! Try talking about fantasies, doing it in different areas of your place, or playing sexy games with each other. It is possible to make it exciting again.

The Little Things

Sometimes it's a big fancy night out, or a gorgeous vase of red roses. Other times it's just taking your dishes to the kitchen. What am I talking about? Gestures. Big or small, it's important to appreciate the gestures your partner does for you. The other day my husband was making dinner for his friends. I mentioned that it looked good and said maybe I'd have a little. About 20 minutes later he walked into where I was studying and brought me a bowl of pasta. It was a small thing, but it really meant a lot to me. Remember those little things just as much as the big ones, and you'll have a happier outlook on your relationship. So many times we all focus on what isn't working. He always leaves his clothes on the floor. She always forgets to do that for me. He'd rather be with his friends than me. Taking a moment to think about (and openly thank) your partner for all the tiny things they do for you is essential. Plus, it makes you want to do nice things for them, which in turn leads them to do more nice things for you- a wonderful repeating cycle. Let's face it- not many people can afford to buy you extravagant presents or fly you around the country. But is that really love? Perhaps it is in some cases- it's different for every relationship. But a guy (or girl) who will bring you dinner or wash your dishes? That's priceless.

Flirting

Lots of people flirt. Especially at work, where you spend roughly 50% of your time. Flirting helps pass the time and makes work more fun. People also flirt with the bartender, barista, sales associate, doctor, lifeguard, you name it. It's human nature. So where do relationships fit in? Do you think flirting constitutes cheating? People are torn by the issue of flirting. Some thing it's harmless and others would rather have their significant other stop bathing for a week than smile at the cute 19-year old hostess. Personally I don't see the harm in it, as long as I don't physically have to see it. I know my bf is charming and handsome, but I don't want to see other girls swoon over his dimples. If he does it when I'm not around (which I'm sure he does), why do I care? As long as your partner isn't rude or disrespectful (like giving out his or her number, for example- a definite no-no), it's just flirting. When you're with your love, focus all of your romantic attention on them. They are who matter, not some random guy or girl. And they are who you should flirt with most of the time. The other times, when you smile or are extra friendly in order to score a free scone at Starbucks? It's not a big deal, so don't create a problem where there isn't one.

Friends

Romantic relationships are wonderful. (most of the time!) But they come with more pressure. Not exactly pressure to look great all the time or always be in a good mood (we all know that can't last forever), but pressure to help take care of the other person emotionally and physically. You can't ignore your wife for a month because you're busy and then call her up and ask if she'd like to get lunch and a mani-pedi. But you best friend on the other hand- you can. You can call her at 2am and she'll listen to you cry about that manipulative jerk who broke your heart. You can talk about yourself for the entire talk and it's okay, she'll listen. You can show up at her door with no makeup, wet hair, and tub of ice cream and it'll be the best night ever. Having a good friend is wonderful. It's what gets us through life. They're like a hot cup of sweet cocoa on a blistery cold night. They're always there to warm your soul and cheer you up. As much as I love my bf, if anything were to happen I know that I'd be okay because I have good friends in my life to make me smile, no matter what. No conditions, no rules, just friendship.

Texting

Remember when people actually called each other? Before IPhones and texting you actually had to be home in order to talk to someone. Today things are much more convenient, but also much more annoying. We are never truly alone anymore. Cell phones connect everyone with each other 24/7. It's nice to have that access when you want an ambulance or need a ride home from the bars, but there is such a thing as TOO much contact. Texting your guy/girl ten times a day to say things like, "LOL my coffee is good today!" or "Ugh my boss sucks!" can lead to texting overdose. You mate doesn't need to hear all the details of your day play-by-play. It takes the mystery away from the lovely moment at the end of the day when you haven't seen your partner all day and you fill each other in on what you both have been up to. Plus, no one really needs to know how good your breakfast burrito was or how you're stoked about getting off work soon. It's like twitter or Facebook- too much contact is just plain too much. Keep the mystery and spark in your relationship by limiting your texts to the occasional "I love you" or "Can't wait to see you tonight sexy." And don't neglect the old-fashioned phone call. Because nothing is better than hearing the voice of the person you love, as opposed to the "ding-ding" of your smart phone.

Birthdays

Remember being a kid and looking forward to your birthday all year? It was the one day where you could stuff your face with ice cream, pizza and cake and your mom would just smile and ask if you'd like more. It was your day. You got presents with shiny ribbons and could be as selfish as you wanted to be, no questions asked. But as you get older and pass the milestones of 16, 18, and 21, something weird happens. Birthdays no longer are looked forward to each year with eager anticipation. They're regarded with either apprehension or a "it's no big deal" attitude. And when you're with a partner, it's a whole different ballgame. What do you get them? As a woman, I find men to be incredibly hard to shop for. It's not like you can get them flowers and a shiny necklace and call it a day. If men want something, they buy it. So what do you get them for their birthday? Besides incredibly expensive toys like watches, shades, phones and cars, men don't lust for many things...besides women. That's why I recommend unconventional gifts for your significant other. Don't get me wrong, if your honey has been hinting that he/she wants a certain trinket for their birthday and it's not outrageous then be sweet and buy it for them. However, if they just say "You don't have to get me anything" or "I don't know, I don't need anything," then that's your cue to surprise them with something romantic that won't break the bank. Try a photo calendar they can keep on their desk at work, or a homemade mug with a sweet message on it. These things aren't expensive but I guarantee they will be remembered far longer than another bottle of cologne or pretty dress. Because at the end of the day, it's not our birthdays that we dread as we get older, it's that we won't have anyone to spend them with. If you remind your love that they're the most special person in your life, every day of the year? Now that's a great birthday gift.

Anger

We recently learned in class that anger isn't just anger. It's a defense mechanism for another emotion, such as sadness or fear. When people get angry about something, there's really an underlying issue. For example, when a woman gets mad that her husband stays out late and doesn't call, her anger is code for her being scared he isn't committed to her, or that she isn't a priority. Or if a husband is angry when his wife breaks his favorite mug he's really scared she doesn't care about his things, and therefore him. Anger can be a mask as well. It's protects us from letting others know what's really going on. Past issues show up as anger in the present. Getting furious at your spouse for forgetting your anniversary may remind you of how your father used to forget your birthday every year. Old wounds don't just go away because you grow up- they just scab over and leave a scar. We are all products of our families, for better or worse. When it comes to relationships, we often marry or date people who remind us (usually subconsciously) of our parents. And if there was anger in your childhood, you either learn to cope with it by being angry yourself or retreating from it. Remember next time you get upset at your partner to slow down, take a breath, ask yourself what's really bothering you? What does this remind you of? Getting in touch with your feelings will help you communicate what's really bothering you instead of just screaming at your lover. Anger won't get anything accomplished, and it certainly won't solve any arguments. Be honest with yourself and your partner and tell them as calmly as you can what's really going on. Fear? Sadness? Embarrassment? Insecurity? Admit the truth and you'll be able to communicate better and solve arguments much easier than ever before.

Fighting....yeah it sucks

Let's face it: fighting with your partner is not fun. It's frustrating to believe something that your love strongly doesn't believe, trying your best convincing them otherwise, and getting nowhere. Of course most people don't like fighting with their girlfriends or boyfriends. We want to have fun and laugh with our significant others- they're our partners in crime, not our adversaries. But life is rough and fights are bound to happen. Show me a couple that doesn't ever, EVER fight and I'll show you a dysfunctional relationship. Couples' fighting is normal, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. So how do you fight fairly and not have a fight ruin your night, or even possibly destroy your relationship? Tip #1: Sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree. You will not see eye to eye with your spouse about everything and that's okay. Tip #2: Go to your separate corners. After a fight, it's best to get some space from each other to cool off. Perspective isn't instantaneous, it takes awhile for you to realize what's really important. Tip #3: Apologize when you're wrong, but not if you don't mean it. Don't give in just to end an argument- if you do nothing will ever get settled and you'll be resentful and feel like a doormat. But do say you're sorry if you really did say or do something that was out of line. Remember that fighting stinks but is necessary to resolve conflicts sometimes. Also, there's nothing better than making up afterwards. :-)

Marriage

I met a couple today that's been married twelve years. They have three kids. And they got married after only 6 months of dating. How do you think they acted? After that much time, many marriages are in the comfortable phase. Many have lost their spark. And many are in trouble. Jobs, kids, stress, changing bodies, boring sex- it all adds up to a lot of work to keep a relationship fresh. So, back to the couple. They were all over each other. Not in a gross way, but in a fun, sexy way. They cuddled, held hands for a bit, laughed together. It was so refreshing to see a couple that was still in love and happy after that many years. I know in the grand scheme of things twelve years isn't a whole lot. But let's face it- the divorce rate in our country is 50% and lots of people split up after only a few years or at over 20. Seeing this couple gave me hope for the future. Add the fact that they got married quickly and it's even more amazing. They told me "when you know, you know." There's a lesson in this couple. They were on a date. No kids, just them. And they had me take a picture of them snuggling together by the fire. It's vital to take the time to nourish your relationship away from your children. Without a strong foundation you have nothing holding the family together. My mom always told me: Put your marriage first, and your kids second. That's good advice. So for those of you who are married, I hope that your marriage will be fresh and romantic after two, twelve, twenty years- just like the sweet couple I met. A sweet and fulfilling relationship that lasts through the thick and thin? That's all any of us can hope for.

Yeah but....

 The other day in class we learned that words are everything when it comes to relationships. How you say things is so critical. For example, if you told your boyfriend that he needs to help you with your car because you don't know how to do it and that's his job you're going to sound like a nag. That's the number one thing you DON'T want to do. Don't nag- it reminds him of his mother. Not hot- sorry mom. Instead, if you asked your boyfriend to help you with your car because he's amazing at that kind of stuff and you'd be really grateful (wink, wink) if he helped you, you're way more likely to get his help and he'll be happy giving it.

When it comes to communicating with you partner about your wants and needs (another essential skill, we aren't mind readers people) try saying "I think xyz and....." not "I think xyz but..." Saying but is a negative word. It disqualifies everything you just said. Here's an example of a conversation with and and but- see if you can see the difference.
Husband: Honey you look great today.
Wife: Yeah but this dress has a hole in it so it looks kind of weird. Thanks though honey.
Husband: Uhhhh, okay you're welcome. (feeling deflated and less likely to compliment you in the future)
         OR
Husband: Honey you look great today
Wife: Yeah and this dress isn't even new. Thanks honey.
Husband: You're welcome (feeling satisfied with himself)
Next time you're trying to say something or responding to your partner remember to use and. It's positive and your point will be heard in a better light than if you say but. If you're trying to tell your partner something and he says "Yeah I hear you, but...." it is irritating as heck. I may or may not be speaking from personal experience here :-)  And adds to conversations, while but puts things behind. Pun intended!