When women get together, at some point we do one thing: talk about our relationships. This can often turn into a venting session where we let out buried frustrations or simply get the validation or appreciation we are actually seeking from our partners. In some ways, it’s cathartic and helpful. But only to a point. When the harmless comments about how he rarely does laundry turn into angry criticisms about feeling unappreciated, there’s a bigger problem brewing beneath the surface. And well-meaning friends can stoke the fire by simply being supportive. When, “I’m sorry friend, that sounds hard,” turns into, “That is so unfair, he’s so lucky to have you!,” you are already veering into a negative mindset and looking for validation. Whatever you’ve shared with your friend probably didn’t make your partner look very good.
We can always spin things to suit our perspective. I’m not talking about genuine abuse here. When you’re verbally abused and a friend points it out, he or she is truly looking out for your best interest and you need to hear the truth. What I’m referring to is seeing things from your partners’ point of view and sharing more of the good things with your friends. By doing these two things, your relationship can shift in dramatic ways. You aren’t getting fired up by your friends to go home and start WWIII nor do you feel like the perpetual victim. Some examples of this include complaining about an “unfair” division of work in the household. If you do most of the chores and he/she is sitting on the couch one day watching you scrub the floors, it can seem pretty unbalanced. However, instead of seeing red, try to step back and remind yourself that your partner may not be helping you right in that moment, but were you there when they fixed your car for you, managed the monthly finances, or unclogged the garbage disposal? Probably not, so why should you expect them to help you when you’re doing “your half” of the shared responsibilities. I’m speaking from a very traditional relationship template here so try to tailor this to your own unique setup.
We all do things for the relationship that aren’t enjoyable and it can be infuriating when it feels like you’re alone in that sacrifice. Maybe you are, but if that is actually true, then why are you even in the relationship? If instead you just need to take step back and see the bigger picture, perhaps you could see how much you both do for each other/the kids/etc to keep your lives running smoothly. And go into those friend venting conversations feeling able to vent but also share about what he or she is actually doing right. It will help to remind yourself of why you’re with them in the first place and show your friends that you do value your partner. I’ve seen how this can make the converstation a lot more productive than merely a time to unload (which you can also do too, just not excessively).
Lastly, put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Would you like to know that your partner complains about you to his/her friends? Of course not. But if you found out he said it was annoying that you always break things before also telling them you’re a good mom it would feel a lot better. No one is perfect and light venting is necessary at times. Try and treat your partner with that same respect and share with limits. Because our friends can fire us up to start fights but also ignite us to feel love and appreciation towards our partners when we forget why we are there in the first place. Perspective is everything. When we are looking for something to bother us, we are bound to find it. Find something to make you feel grateful for your relationship instead. After all, romantic relationships are a choice, every day. Choose to be there and let your language and behavior reflect that. It will only improve your relationship.