Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, MS, MPH, CSAT, LMFT #88196

Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, LMFT

You deserve a beautiful life

Sex, intimacy, and relationship therapy

Do You Look Like Your Boyfriend?

Maybe you should! No I’m not talking growing a beer belly and 5 o’clock shadow, but choosing someone who fits into your life may be the secret to a lasting relationship.

There’s a phenomenon I’ve noticed lately in which the happy couples I know look like they just ‘fit’ together. Examples include:

·         Hipster boho chick and tatted up guy with skinny jeans

·         Shlubby guy in Cowboys jersey and girl in her college hoodie and mom jeans

·         Tan, in-shape brunette and tall muscular dude with a tribal tattoo

·         Aging soccer mom with too much Botox and her wealthy balding husband

·         Conservative rich guy in a button-up and blonde bombshell in killer heels

I’ve heard of people looking like their dogs but what if we approached dating like getting a pet? You need someone who fits into your lifestyle and likes the same things. Same as a dog. If you live in a 400 square foot apartment in Manhattan, you aren’t going to get a Great Dane. Or if you love going on hikes it’s doubtful you’ll buy a Maltese. You choose a pet based on your lifestyle- why not a mate?

This best applies to a first date. Besides being attracted to someone, you have to share some common interests in order to keep the relationship going. So next time you’re getting to know that cute guy over coffee, stray away from the typical first date “where’d you go to college” chatter and ask what you really need to know, depending on what you like to do. I say this because realistically, if you marry a guy who loves hockey more than life, you’re going to spend a good portion of your life in a rink eating jumbo pretzels and drinking foamy beer.

Here are a few key questions to ask and what style to spot:

For the athletic, healthy chick:

1.      Do you workout? (if so, what specific gym)

2.      Do you eat healthy usually? (so you can make gluten-free paleo dinners together)

·         Look for muscle-tees, warm-ups, fancy running shoes

For the luxurious, girlie girl:

1.      Do you like fine dining? (if he doesn’t know what this means then you’re doomed to Denny’s)

2.      What vacations are you planning this year? (for your first kiss at the Eiffel Tower)

·         Look for a tailored suit, well-groomed hair, cuff-links

For the sporty, laid back lady:

1.      What’s your favorite sport to watch? (and favorite team)

2.      What sports did you play as a kid? (so you can join a league together)

·         Look for jeans, football jersey, ball-cap

For the driven, goal-oriented woman:

1.      Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (to tell if he’s serious or not)

2.      Do you own or rent? (also to gage if he’s motivated for success and stability)

·         Look for an unwrinkled button-up, nice watch, name-brand sunglasses

For the indie, music lover girl:

1.      What shows have you seen recently?

2.      How many tattoos do you have?

·         Look for skinny pants, flannel, hair that’s shaved on sides and long on top

The key ingredient in this pie is that all the couples that I’ve worked with that look and act similar have a lot of things in common. That’s why they dress and act alike. It just makes sense. If you love TV more than you talk to your family, you probably are not compatible with a guy who doesn’t even have Netflix and spends his free-time babysitting his niece. You would be bored to tears if, instead of binge-watching The Walking Dead, your Saturday nights were spent at his sister’s house changing diapers.

Relationships work when people spend a significant amount of quality time together, usually doing something they both enjoy. Since you can’t have sex 24/7, you need other activities that are fun for you and him. Similar hobbies also means similar lifestyles, goals, values….You get the picture. Don’t get me wrong, it’s healthy to have a life outside your relationship. If your man doesn’t want to watch a romantic comedy with a gallon of frozen yogurt, that’s okay. That is what girlfriends are for. But in general, you both should like the same stuff.

So the next time you’re about to go out with the cute bartender who asked you out after your third Chardonnay, remember to look and listen for the key things that you like and need in a partner. You may not end up with your twin, but perhaps you will find a guy who happens to love going out every night with friends or is excited to go for a run and then go shopping for new workout gear. If you’re a Zen goddess who loves kale and yoga and he is a Republican with a gun collection and a farmer’s tan it probably won’t work out.

We choose the car that suits us, the dog we are meant for, and the clothes we love- why not choose the type of man who fits into our lives just as well?