Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, MS, MPH, CSAT, LMFT #88196

Bella Vida Therapy

Molly Papp, LMFT

You deserve a beautiful life

Sex, intimacy, and relationship therapy

How to Actually Fight So Your Relationship Gets Better

I hate fights. I think a lot of people do. While some drama queens love a good screaming match plus the hot makeup sex, I loathe tension with the man I love. But while I used to just stifle my feelings and ignore how I really felt, now I speak up. In school this week we learned about how to transform your problems into workable issues so you're not left sleeping on opposite ends of the bed after a fight. Here's the simple 1-2-3-4 breakdown:

1. Have each person state their side. You: I hate when you stay out with your friends late instead of coming home to me. I miss you and want to see you more. Him: I hate it when you nag me about coming home when you're asleep anyways. Why can't I just have fun with my friends?
2. Form the problem into an issue outside of each other that you both can agree on. Ex. We both have a problem with the amount of time we have for each other.
3. Create a goal you both want that's achievable. Ex. We want to find a way to balance our friend time with our couple time so each part is satisfied.
4. Write down specific things you'll each do to get to that goal. Ex. You'll agree to not call or text him when he's with his friends if he'll agree to at least 1 designated date night a week, plus he'll text you when he's out and when he's coming home. Him: He'll also agree to 1 date night a week, plus he'll make an effort to plan more dates and text you his plans. And send you sweet texts to let you know he's thinking of you.

That's pretty much the formula. State sides, agree on workable problem, agree on solvable goal, break down goal into smaller pieces that are more manageable. If you externalize a problem it's less of a "he said, she said" or blaming thing. Because screaming "You don't love me as much as you love your friends!" at three a.m. isn't a good idea. Neither is passive aggressive texts that imply you're out having fun too, when the only friends in your room are Ben and Jerry. Like I always say, communication is key to keeping a relationship alive. Communicate what you want, what you need, and how you feel. Couples that break up are the ones with breakdowns in communication. Think of it as the cream that holds together two Oreo cookies. Without it, you've just got 2 boring cookies. With it, you've got magic.