Money Money Money Money.....MONEY!

They say the four 'off-limit' topics are sex, money, politics and religion. Couples tend to fight most about the first two: sex (when to have it, how much to have) and money (when to spend it, how much each person has). The funny thing is that both topics are not so simple as they seem. Money isn't just about the number you have in your bank account and sex isn't just about how often you "do it." Today I want to focus on all the meaning behind money, and how I've seen it destroy relationships.

First of all, our attitude about money is shaped in our childhoods. If you were raised by a single-parent who worked 12-hour shifts to buy you name-brand cereal, you won't have a relaxed view of money. To you, money means sacrifice and it's not to be taken lightly. You may pinch pennies or spend freely as a reaction to living so frugally growing up. If you were raised in an affluent home where money wasn't really ever discussed (you just had it), its value is less. You won't think twice about buying 'real' Fruit Loops or anything else you want.

Another dimension is how money ties into our view of ourselves. Individuals with high self-esteem are able to spend money on themselves but also don't spend in excess because they know it would hurt them in the long-term. Those with low self-esteem either live in deprivation and feel guilt spending money OR they overspend with no thought of the future because they don't pay attention to the chaos that living beyond their means will bring them.

In working with couples, the number one thing I've noticed is that when they fight about money, it's not about money. It's the meaning behind the money. When one spouse makes more than the other, it brings up questions about value. What value do you bring to the relationship when you stay at home and your spouse works 60+ hours a week? This is a conversation to have together or else resentment is bound to grow. I may sound like a broken record but communication is 100% the key to resolving these differences. I've talked with women who felt invisible because all the work the put in raising children was ignored (in their eyes) by their partners. On the other hand, their partners have told me that they felt unappreciated because they felt pressured to work full-time and help out at home whenever possible. 

Couples need to talk about what they expect from one another, and how they want to spend their money. After all, when you're married it is no longer YOUR money; you're a team now. That also means you cannot dictate how you're going to spend the money, even if it's you that makes it all. Compromise is necessary in order to both be happy with how you live as a couple. There will be times when you will have to bite your tongue if your spouse buys another pair of shoes or doesn't want to go on vacation because it's too expensive.

Finally, remembering that when you talk with your partner about money, you aren't just talking to them. You're essentially talking to their parents too, and every message that was taught to them throughout childhood. So have those hard discussions and continue to check in with each other about the state of your finances. Perhaps you can grow and heal with each other, balancing each out out as you balance the checkbook.

Balancing Act

When I was a kid I remember loving the circus. The lions, the creepy clowns, the $10 cotton candy- it was all amazing to me. I even liked the trapeeze artists who soared in the air and the acrobats that could balance 6 plates in the air with their teeth. Nowadays Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey seems to have disappeared, which is probably good after the animal mistreatment allegations popped up. But what stuck with me was those darn acrobats and how well they could balance. It seemed impossible! All my life I've struggled with balance. I tend to lean towards all-or-nothing thinking, so either I do something 1000% or not at all. This leads to me quickly burning out on things. I remember the time when I thought I would try acting and begged my mom for classes. I went every week with joy...for about 3 weeks. Then the novelty wore off and I was no longer obsessed with learning about acting. All I wanted to do was blow off the classes because I was tired of focusing 24/7 on "the craft."

My point is that life is a constant balancing act: school, work, family, friends, love. It's really hard! We tend to overdo somethings and underdo others. Family gets neglected due to due the excitement of a new relationship. Exercise goes by the wayside when work gets crazy. School grades slip when bills need to get paid. Keeping all of our priorities in line is hard work. But what I have noticed in the clients I have worked with, and in my own life, is that following a life of balance is essential for happiness. Anything done too much, even eating kale, is negative to maintaining balance in your life.

The balance I want to focus on specifically is relationship balance. What I mean by that is putting enough energy into your partner. Relationships need nurturing and care- especially long-term ones. Sometimes we take our lovers for granted and do not prioiritize them because they've always been there. Add in kids and that balance can get out of wack really fast. What happens when the kids come before your relationship? Answer: nothing good. To be completely honest, I do speak about children from a childless place. However, as a therapist I have seen countless couples who have neglected their own union because of their chilren, to disasterous results. The closeness dies because you no longer talk about each other (or do things alone) and instead, it's all about the kids. Of course you need to make your children a priority, but remember that you and your spouse existed before they did. No one 'has' to be married, it's a choice. Making that choice everyday can be hard some days, but the good should outweigh the bad- the scale should tip towards the positive.

Balance 'you' time with 'us' time. Balance work with play. Balance salad with ice cream. Balance water with wine. Above all, remember that those acrobats didn't start off with instantly balancing all those plates or walking on that thin of a rope. It took time, practice, and falling a million times but getting back up. Don't punish yourself if you forget to call your mom because of your big project at work or date night goes by the wayside due to your little boy's school play. Life will get out of balance sometimes, that is a guarantee. Recognizing that and continuing to work on restoring that balance will go wonders for keeping you sane, happy and healthy. We all walk our version of a tightrope, even if we've never been to the circus.

Breaking Boundaries: How to Cope with a Partner's Past

People are like magnets. Drawn to each other with unexplained, intangible chemistry. In my work with couples and individuals struggling with trouble communicating or having a fulfilling sex life, what I have witnessed is that there is reason we choose our lovers. It's not just physical attraction alone. That may be the initial draw, but what holds people together is often subconsciously motivated. There are those couples that seem to like constantly arguing and those that thrive on going out nightly for social events.

And then there other underlying dynamics that bind us to each other- things like a shared history of trauma or mental illness. When you come from a healthy family system, it's hard to relate when your partner hasn't spoken to her father in 10 years or never met his biological mom. Often times, what I see as a therapist is that the very things that draw us to someone can wear out the relationship over time if not addressed. But what really is interesting is that we tend to repeat our family patterns as adults. Subconsciously, we try to 'fix' our childhood wounds.

One of the most crucial areas I have seen these patterns repeat is with our romantic relationships. Specifically with trauma. That is the reason that children from a domestic violence background marry men who abuse them or why men who were enmeshed emotionally with their mothers have unhealthy anger towards women. Trauma is like a wound that never got stitches. The scar is there and we tend to look for others with the same mark.

But what do you do when your partner was sexually abused as a child? Surprisingly (and incredibly sad), it's incredibly common. One San Francisco study reported that 38% of women had been sexually molested as children (according to Heather Smith from healthyplace.com). And that is only what is remembered and shared. Often we repress memories of sexual abuse (which has MANY forms, from rape to touching/fondling to being exposed to inappropriate/sexualized language ), because it's a method of self-protection. How can you be expected to have a healthy sex life when sex itself was forced upon you? This can be very confusing for the victim and their partner, who often puts the blame on their shoulders for problems in bed.

The most important thing to remember when your partner's boundaries have been violated from an early or later age is that it's not about you. Someone who has survived trauma is just that- a survivor. You cannot go through something awful and not have wounds. Usually they are not visible, but they can be. Would you feel responsible if your partner had lost a leg in war, affecting their body image? Of course not! Remember that with sexual abuse. We cannot talk about sex without tying it to many things, from body image to boundaries.

In being a supportive partner, what is really needed is safety and empowerment. I recommend survivors of sexual abuse to attend therapy for their own healing. If their dynamics as an individual are greatly impacting their partnership or sex life, then I also recommend couples therapy so a trained professional can help navigate those choppy waters. Partners need to remember to not guilt/shame their lovers. That is only re-enacting the trauma and creates further emotional distance.

Like I mentioned earlier, there is likely a deeper reason that people find each other. Perhaps your own family situation placed you as the caregiver, so you chose a partner who needed rescuing.  Or maybe you were the eldest child, used to being in control, and were drawn to a person who depended on you for security. Whatever the reason is, remember that we are all scared in some way from childhood wounds, just in different ways. Have compassion and understanding for your partner's journey. You can never know how rocky it's been because it isn't your life, it's theirs.

Never Trust a Man with a Ponytail and 10 Other Lessons I've Learned About Men

I thought I'd write a quick post today with an eye-catching title for all the ladies out there. There are a few things I have noticed about men in my nearly 30 years that I want to share with you all. Of course I say these (half) jokingly. So here goes!

1.  Men are pretty simple: feed them, love them, support them.
2.  Never say a bad word about a man's mother. Enough said.
3.  If a man's pants are tighter than yours don't be surprised if he spends more time with his "guy friends" than you. They're not just playing X-Box.
4.  Manners make the man (okay this is a quote from "The Kingsman" but it's true!)- men who treat women like women (pulling out a chair, opening the car door) are worth their weight in gold.  
5.  There's a difference between  being friendly and flirting. Men know it and so do you. If your man crosses the line (or if you do)- something is missing. Talk about it.
6. Men hate nagging. They don't want to kiss/cuddle/touch their mothers. Even if he leaves the dishes in the sink for the 100th time just let it go! Unless you want your bed to be just a place to sleep.
7. Men like being taken care of too. Little stuff like writing him love letters or doing his laundry go a long way.
8. Men brag too (about us women). So give him something to brag (not complain) about. Be kind. Buy him a beer. Dress up just because. Trust me, he'll do the same.
9. Boys will be boys. No I don't mean that they will chase tail and that's okay, because it's NOT. But men like doing 'boy' stuff  like football, fighting, getting dirty, talking about cars and sports for hours on end. Let him do him. Join in if he asks, but otherwise, let him be a guy.
10. Never trust a man who's obsessed with his reflection and spends more time getting ready than you do. (or who has a ponytail and borrows your hair ties)

Hope this helps you lovely ladies out there navigating the challenging but wonderful world of dating and relationships. :)

Ted Explains How to Be Happy

I have recently been obsessed with watching "Ted Talks." They are not just fascinating, but I feel like I'm learning a lot at the same time. I've been drawn especially to talks regarding happiness and how some people feel it easily while others chase it so diligently (and unsuccessfully). Two in particular caught my eye by their amazing titles: the first was, "My Philosophy for a Happy Life" by Sam Berns, and the other was "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," by Dr. Mark Holder. The first was by a young teenager (Sam), with progeria, a rare genetic disease that causes premature aging (aka Benjamin Button disease). His motto was basically to appreciate what you CAN do, not lament or moan about what you can't. This is a kid who was not attractive, athletic, rich, or healthy, but spent every day on this planet being ridiculously joyful for what he COULD do: play drums in the marching band, spend time with friends, inspire others to live a fuller life. I later found out that Sam died at age 17 from his disease. Honestly, that news made me realize his message was even more true because life is so precious and short. Sam didn't even get to celebrate his 18th birthday. I'm turning 30 this year. I feel immensely grateful just for that fact alone, and the simple truth that I am healthy, in love, and don't go to bed hungry every night...or ever. Millions (probably billions) of people cannot say the same.

The other Ted talk, "Three Words That Will Change Your Life," was inspiring in a different way. Dr. Holder explained that for humans, happiness is inextricably linked to their relationships. We need to be bonded to others. If not, we bond to other things to self-medicate our loneliness, especially if we have suffered trauma and need to numb ourselves from life (leading to sex, drugs, and/or food addiction). People who are genuinely happy have close, loving relationships with others. They spend time nurturing these intimate friendships. They feel understood and heard, as well as safe enough to be close to others. The aforementioned three words that will change your life are: "tell me more," because saying them to someone instantly bonds them to you. Try it with your next conversation and instead of zoning out or interrupting, really make an effort to hear what your friends are saying. That is what builds connection and that connection leads to increased happiness.

 Dr. Holder also explained that the happiness of your partner directly correlates with your own happiness. That completely makes sense to me, because I struggle with being completely happy when my husband is sad. He is such a big part of my life that I cannot imagine being care-free when he's upset. I have no doubt that many people can relate to this issue. I mean this not in a codependent, unhealthy way, but as an expression of the connection with my mate.

I wanted to share both of these talks because I think we all get caught up in the stress of our lives and the quest for what is "enough," that we forget to slow down and examine what truly make us smile. Happiness is being grateful that you are not in pain or hungry. Happiness is not what you can buy, it's appreciating who you are and who loves you. If only Sam had been so lucky to see what gifts lie beyond the teenage years! But honestly, he wouldn't see his death as "I wish I could have lived to see another birthday." Instead, he would see it as, "I'm so happy and grateful I got to celebrate 17 of them." Rest in peace buddy.

The Porn Trap

As a licensed therapist who specializes in sexual health issues, I get asked a lot of interesting questions, such as:

"Am I a sex addict? I like to have sex, a lot!"
"How do I attract people to date me? I'm so lonely; what am I doing wrong?"
"Sex with my girlfriend/boyfriend has really slowed down. How do I fix it?"
"Everyone watches porn; it's no big deal. But how much is too much? Can it affect my sex life?"

The last one is probably the most common, especially with men. Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry that has truly exploded over the past decade. Many men watch pornography on a daily basis and have no problem with it. When I say 'no problem,' I mean that they can still go to work, have a healthy sex life, and maintain friendships without rushing home to masturbate. If pornography is an addiction, it damages a person's life and preoccupies their time, thoughts and behaviors. It also leads to feeling guilt and shame after countless hours are wasted staring at a screen. That is more of what pornography addiction looks like.

For men (and women) who watch porn more casually, it seems less harmful; right? Sure, these type of people don't lose control of their lives or experience dramatic negative consequences due to porn. But what is the impact on their view of women and fulfilling sex? Millions of young people are being taught "how" to have sex from watching hired men and women engage in intercourse of some type. Yet what porn doesn't teach is intimacy. It shows the physical act of body parts being inserted in someway, but it lacks any type of connection. This can be extremely damaging to how we view sex. Sex becomes less of a way to express desire and longing for a partner and more of a way to have an orgasm with whomever is on the receiving/giving end. I am generalizing of course and referring mostly to heterosexual male/female pornography, however the point of porn lacking intimacy rings true over many demographics and styles. Porn tells us what we should look like, sound like, orgasm like; and they are ALL unrealistic! No one can live up to that, not even the actors or actresses themselves. They have a room of 20 people lighting them and applying makeup ever 5 minutes to ensure the perfect shot. Don't even get me started on the misogynist themes that porn encourages.

I don't mean to preach, but the point I'm trying to make is that porn may seem like sexy fun, but it slowly seduces over time. More and more exposure creates grooves in our brain. Meaning the first time you see a man ejaculate on a girl's face it's shocking, but the 5th time it's 'normal.' This also leads to the desire to recreate situations in porn movies. Once again, it's about the act or the novelty of the act, not the other person. This takes the greatest part of sex (connecting with a lover) away from the experience. Of course not every person you have sex with is your soul mate, but they are a human being. Intimacy with someone whom you like is great and someone you love is even better.

I know many people won't change their minds about online pornography after reading this, but the next time you do watch it try looking at what's actually going on. Look for typical things that happen during real sex: eye contact, kissing, cuddling, non-flat stomachs giggling. Chances are you won't see that. Chances are you won't find anything real at all.

Why Self-Care is Essential for You and Your Relationship

Today I sweated my buns off in spin class, walked to the dog park, and cooked up some delicious (and healthy) food for the week. It was a good day, my only day off during the week. Those things I did today make me happy. But that's just me. For my husband, a day off would include a couple of cold beers, a football game and a bunch of good friends to hang with. Either way, taking time for yourself is essential to recharging your batteries before a week of work and stress. Some people, like myself, recharge by being alone, while others, like my extroverted hubby, love being around others. When you allow yourself time and money to be spent on things that make you feel alive and joyful, you are able to be more present for your work, your spouse, and most importantly- yourself. I suggest varying the things you do so that you combine relaxing activities (like TV watching, naps, going to the movies) with fun, new hobbies to expand your personality (like taking an art class or trying a new cuisine). Whatever it is that makes your feel alive, do it for yourself. Life is too short to spend it focusing only on work and bills. So relax, kick back, and take care of yourself. Your mood will improve and your life will too.

Love is....

How would you finish this question? The answer differs for everyone, and there is no 'right' one. The Merriam-Webster defines love as, "A feeling of strong or constant affection for a person." You could love your mom, lover, best friend or pet (because they are people too, in my opinion). I think the answer to this question tells you a lot about a person. If someone thinks love is feeling safe, they need someone who protects them and offers reassurance. If they say love is feeling beautiful, they want compliments and validation. If they say love is security, they need someone who is stable and safe. If they feel love is an adventure, they are looking for a partner in crime. The point is that love means different things to different people, depending on their family backgrounds and what they have been through in life. I personally think love is all the things I mentioned above, but my favorite definition is that love is feeling accepted for who you are, inside and out, flaws and all. I say this because the world is rough sometimes. People can (and will) tear you down. It's easy to get overwhelmed by work, family, stress, you name it! There is nothing better than going to someone you love to get support. Love is someone who will listen to you bitch about how that crazy lady cut you off in traffic or giving you advice about how to handle that annoying boss. Love is listening to boyfriend woes, telling you how great you look at 9 months pregnant and picking up the phone at 2am when you're feeling lonely. Love is keeping you from calling your cheating ex or holding your sobbing body when you lose your mom.  There are many types of love, from romantic to familial, but at the end of the day love is pretty expansive. You know when you feel it and whom you feel it for. Whomever that is, cherish them and treat them well. Because while some love is forever, life is not. If you are lucky enough to have some type of love in your life, let that person know and maybe even ask them what they think love is. You may just be surprised by their answer.

First Dates

This evening I was watching "Extreme Weight Loss" on TLC. For those who don't know, it's a weight loss show about people who are overweight that shows their progression of getting healthy with diet and exercise over many months. It also incorporates showing how their life changes as they lose the weight. One man on the show went on his very first date. (he was roughly 30 years old) It was a sweet, emotional moment. You could literally see the joy on his face, the excitement. Dating is fun and validating. It means someone is willingly desiring to spend time with us. But it's also scary and nerve-racking. What if they don't like us? What if we don't like them? What if they are boring or rude or have bad breath?

The show got me thinking about what first dates truly mean. Physically, there is the rush of adrenaline and butterflies in the stomach. But emotionally, there is much more significance. If you think about it, every first date is possibly the last first date you ever have. Isn't that the goal? We date to mate- eventually that is. Dating is fun but also scary. It's a risk we take every time we agree to put ourselves out there for someone else to judge. We risk rejection for the thrill of love and acceptance.

The first time I went on a date with my now-husband, I knew it was going to be something special, but to be honest I put on my "first date" self. Not to say I wore a black wig and a fake nose, but I did pretend to be something I wasn't in order to get him to like me. This ended up backfiring on me- badly. Much later on in our relationship, he told me that he loved me for who I really was, not the fake person I pretended to be. He told me he wished I was that person from the start. From the very first date.

When going on that nerve-racking first date with someone you find interesting and attractive, be yourself. Yes, you risk never seeing them again or scaring them away because of your weirdness. But the person who you're meant to marry will love your bizarre quirks. And you will love theirs. It takes confidence and a belief in yourself to do that. I didn't have either when I began dating my husband. It sounds like the man on "Extreme Weight Loss" didn't either, until he lost some weight and began to feel good about himself.

Be brave enough to be yourself. Because one day you will have the last first date ever. And it will be worth all the bad ones that came before to be loved and accepted for who you really are- big or small, rich or poor, old or young. 

Do You Look Like Your Boyfriend?

Maybe you should! No I’m not talking growing a beer belly and 5 o’clock shadow, but choosing someone who fits into your life may be the secret to a lasting relationship.

There’s a phenomenon I’ve noticed lately in which the happy couples I know look like they just ‘fit’ together. Examples include:

·         Hipster boho chick and tatted up guy with skinny jeans

·         Shlubby guy in Cowboys jersey and girl in her college hoodie and mom jeans

·         Tan, in-shape brunette and tall muscular dude with a tribal tattoo

·         Aging soccer mom with too much Botox and her wealthy balding husband

·         Conservative rich guy in a button-up and blonde bombshell in killer heels

I’ve heard of people looking like their dogs but what if we approached dating like getting a pet? You need someone who fits into your lifestyle and likes the same things. Same as a dog. If you live in a 400 square foot apartment in Manhattan, you aren’t going to get a Great Dane. Or if you love going on hikes it’s doubtful you’ll buy a Maltese. You choose a pet based on your lifestyle- why not a mate?

This best applies to a first date. Besides being attracted to someone, you have to share some common interests in order to keep the relationship going. So next time you’re getting to know that cute Match.com guy over coffee, stray away from the typical first date “where’d you go to college” chatter and ask what you really need to know, depending on what you like to do. I say this because realistically, if you marry a guy who loves hockey more than life, you’re going to spend a good portion of your life in a rink eating jumbo pretzels and drinking foamy beer.

Here are a few key questions to ask and what style to spot:

For the athletic, healthy chick:

1.      Do you workout? (if so, what specific gym)

2.      Do you eat healthy usually? (so you can make gluten-free paleo dinners together)

·         Look for muscle-tees, warm-ups, fancy running shoes

For the luxurious, girlie girl:

1.      Do you like fine dining? (if he doesn’t know what this means then you’re doomed to Denny’s)

2.      What vacations are you planning this year? (for your first kiss at the Eiffel Tower)

·         Look for a tailored suit, well-groomed hair, cuff-links

For the sporty, laid back lady:

1.      What’s your favorite sport to watch? (and favorite team)

2.      What sports did you play as a kid? (so you can join a league together)

·         Look for jeans, football jersey, ball-cap

For the driven, goal-oriented woman:

1.      Where do you see yourself in 5 years? (to tell if he’s serious or not)

2.      Do you own or rent? (also to gage if he’s motivated for success and stability)

·         Look for an unwrinkled button-up, nice watch, name-brand sunglasses

For the indie, music lover girl:

1.      What shows have you seen recently?

2.      How many tattoos do you have?

·         Look for skinny pants, flannel, hair that’s shaved on sides and long on top

The key ingredient in this pie is that all the couples that I’ve worked with that look and act similar have a lot of things in common. That’s why they dress and act alike. It just makes sense. If you love TV more than you talk to your family, you probably are not compatible with a guy who doesn’t even have Netflix and spends his free-time babysitting his niece. You would be bored to tears if, instead of binge-watching The Walking Dead, your Saturday nights were spent at his sister’s house changing diapers.

Relationships work when people spend a significant amount of quality time together, usually doing something they both enjoy. Since you can’t have sex 24/7, you need other activities that are fun for you and him. Similar hobbies also means similar lifestyles, goals, values….You get the picture. Don’t get me wrong, it’s healthy to have a life outside your relationship. If your man doesn’t want to watch a romantic comedy with a gallon of frozen yogurt, that’s okay. That is what girlfriends are for. But in general, you both should like the same stuff.

So the next time you’re about to go out with the cute bartender who asked you out after your third Chardonnay, remember to look and listen for the key things that you like and need in a partner. You may not end up with your twin, but perhaps you will find a guy who happens to love going out every night with friends or is excited to go for a run and then go shopping for new workout gear. If you’re a Zen goddess who loves kale and yoga and he is a Republican with a gun collection and a farmer’s tan it probably won’t work out.

We choose the car that suits us, the dog we are meant for, and the clothes we love- why not choose the type of man who fits into our lives just as well?