He's Just Not That Into You....Swipe Left?

I wanted to write this post and just put "he's just not that into you," and refer all my readers to read the exceptional book of the same title by Greg Behrend and Liz Tuccillo, but I figured not a lot of us have a couple hours to spare to workout, clean the closet or organize our pantry let alone read a good book, so I figured I'd just give you the basic premise because:

1. The movie by the same title was awful and was completely not what the book was about
2. It's incredibly true and honest and what all single, married and coupled-up people need to hear- both men and women

First of all, let's get real. Dating is hard, relationships are hard, marriage is hard, and divorce is really hard. But being in lust, falling in love, and getting to spend your life with your best friend is pretty awesome. The chemicals that are released into one's brain (dopamine, serotonin) when getting those butterflies after the first kiss are the same that flood one's brain when doing drugs. Yep; no wonder they say love makes us do crazy things. The love drug is au natural and real. It is addicting, erotic, emotional and tricky; very tricky. So I want to explain that if a guy or girl is not doing certain things, then they likely are Just.Not.That.Into.You.- no matter what your crazy brain chemicals are telling you. There is a difference between love and lust, and it's the same as the one between making someone waffles with a balsamic strawberry compote and French-pressed coffee and sneaking out the door without even bothering to leave the obligatory "this was fun, we should do it again sometime" note. We all basically want the same thing at the end of the day- if we are looking for a lasting relationship, that is. However, the other person may not be reading the same book as you, let alone be on the same page. So if you want to find real, lasting, fun and sexy love, and stop wasting your time, follow these tips:

He's just not that into you if he's (or she's) NOT:

• Calling your back (not really applicable because no one calls on the phone anymore which is ridiculous, don't even get me started!). Or texting you, responding to your texts, Facebook-ing, etc. This is an easy one to remember: If they wanted to get in contact with you, they would. Period. No one's phone actually breaks or didn't have service that day. That's an excuse and another way of showing they don't care about you. Responding to a text message takes 5 seconds, not 5 hours.
• Making time to hang out. No guy (or girl, because this is 2016 and not pre-sexual revolution) will not make time in their ''totally busy right now" schedule to see someone they want to have sex with. If neurosurgeons, CEOs,  and other incredibly busy people all around the world can find time to date, then the guy you met on Match who works at Petco can definitely get sushi with you.
• Seeing you in the daytime. We all have been 21 and spent time with people who we will likely  never see again past the May-Dec romance expiration date. Those relationships (and I'm using that term very loosely) are all about the physical and you likely have nothing much in common with them besides indie movies and beer pong. But if you want to actually be the boyfriend or girlfriend of someone and they only text you after 10pm, doesn't ask you to sleep over, and always want you to come over to their place, that's a huge red flag. It's a relationship based on sex, not actual connection.
• Introducing you to their friends or family. This one takes time because initially it's normal to not bring a stranger to Aunt Diane's birthday bash or your buddy Kevin's engagement party. But after dating for a few months, if you have never met his friends and all you know about his family is that he hates his mom or his sister's a "bitch," then something is seriously wrong. When you truly love and care for someone, you will want to tell everyone else special in your life about them. You want to literally shout it from the rooftops, not have them sneak out the back door at midnight.
• Asking about you. Human beings as a species are incredibly selfish. We LOVE to talk about ourselves, that's a given. However, when falling in love, we also want to know everything we can about the other person. It's a phenomenon that is used to help imagine that person in our lives. Also, it's a way of building a connection by exploring shared interests. Not just the obvious (You like food? Me too! This is fate!), but deeper things that actually matter when you are choosing a potential girlfriend, not to mention a life partner. If your 'special someone' isn't asking you about your life (friends, family, job, goals, dreams, hobbies, you name it), they don't care. They want your beauty, your body, your....You get the picture.
• Dating someone else or worse- married. There are some exceptions to this rule. After all, Paul Newman was married to his first wife, Jacqueline Witte, when he fell in love with Joanne Woodward, his wife of 50 years. However, for most people who cheat (married or not), it's a distraction from their feelings, an escape. It usually is not real love or commitment. If anything, they are proving that they do not honor or respect commitment because they are breaking their promise to be faithful. When someone is head over heels in love, they do not have a multiple of lovers. They have one.  So if you've been casually seeing someone for a month and she still is often 'busy' or has yet to have the exclusivity talk- she's likely knocking boots with someone that isn't you. Would you want to be someone's second choice? No, of course not. By all means, you can have the "it's just me or I'm leaving" conversation, but really, wouldn't you prefer they choose you without being pressured? They are just not that into you. Move on.

I hope these tips have given you all some knowledge and not made it seem like dating is pointless or hopeless. The old adage of 'you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince' is cheesy but really true. There is literally someone for everyone (example: the fattest man alive got married), you just have to not give up on finding that person for you. I'm not talking only one soul mate in the whole wide world (isn't that defeating!), but one person who you like, who likes you, and who is fun to both talk to and get naked with for more than 5 minutes. It's as simple (and complicated) as that.

Diets Suck!

So it's January; a month when a lot of people make crazy impossibly to stick to resolutions about finally losing those last 5, 20 or 50 pounds or finally starting your dream job.  I am all for self-improvement; heck the name of my blog is "Live the Life You Deserve" for pete's sake! But dramatically changing your life is hard to do and it's a lot of pressure to suddenly go from the first episode of The Biggest Loser to cat-walking with Gisele, or bagging groceries at Ralphs to creating a multi-million dollar app that's more popular than Facebook. Real, lasting growth and change takes time and is hard and slow. Sorry folks but that's just the facts.

When it comes to being healthy physically, this is incredibly true. Losing weight and getting the type of body you've always wanted is all about a lifestyle change. It also is not about starving yourself everyday or eating Lean Cuisines for lunch. Let's be real: no one on earth is satisfied by eating a "Thai Peanut" Lean Cuisine. They are like food for toddlers, except that even toddlers would want a real meal afterwards. Call it cheat meals or the 80/20 rule (eat good except for 20% of the time), but the true "secret" to lasting weight management and change is moderation and living your life! Going out for drinks and getting In-and-Out once and awhile is not only allowed but truly important for sticking to a healthier lifestyle. Feeling deprived = binging on cookie dough ice cream at 1pm while you watch "The Real Housewives of Tijuana." (not a real show....yet) Both are trash, one just rots your mind while the other...makes you fat. You need to eat real food (veggies, meat, fruit, and other things with 1 ingredient listed is a good rule to follow), not too much. It's sounds easy, but as we all know food is awesome and this 'everything in moderation' thing is incredibly hard. But putting good things inside your body is related to taking care of yourself. Would you want the person you love to shovel poison in their mouth? That's what eating processed crap is; it's poison for your body. Take care of your own body, treat it well. It's the only one you got! You deserve to feel good after meals, not tired or gross. Eating real food (not talking organic just apples not Apple Jacks) will leave your mind and tummy feeling good.

The other part of getting healthy is moving your body. I happen to like the gym- you can hate me, I feel obnoxious writing it but it's true because of how it makes me feel. But if you don't it doesn't mean you are sentenced to a life of stretch pants, dark colors, and weird long shirts that hide your butt. Just move- everyday. Get up and walk, lift weights, do yoga, I don't care what it is just MOVE. As humans we were made to not sit on our butts and watch Netflix all day. Cavemen hunted buffalo, we hunt KFC. It's the sad result of our sedentary society. If you make exercise a priority you will do it. Plain and simple, it has to be important to you. Because there is no (legal) pill that will make you feel as good as good ol' fashioned exercise and non-crap food will. They will improve your health, relationship, job performance, attitude and especially your sex life. No one wants to have sex after downing a bag of Fritos and staring at the bloated result afterwards in a full-body mirror in mid-December. But feeling confident, strong and satisfied? That is incredibly sexy. I never feel better than after I lift a heavy set or finish running a few miles and you will too.

I know change is scary and hard. But if not now, this year, this day, this minute, then when? We get one shot, one chance, one life. Don't waste it being miserable or unhappy. A lot of things in life are pretty much outside of our control (car accidents, breakups, cancer, the government), but what you put in your mouth and moving your body is not. These two things will change your life instantly. Forget the 2016 resolutions and focus on your life resolution to simply LIVE.

I Got Pinned

I was talking to a teenage girl the other day and mentioned getting pinned. She looked at me with a blank expression, her eyes glazing over and already likely contemplating what was on Kylie Jenner's Instagram page that day. I explained to her that pinning existed 50 years ago when guys named Skip wore letterman jackets and would give their pin or class ring to Sally the prom queen in order to symbolize they were going steady. Of course, she had no idea what 'going steady' was, so I further explained that concept and that fidelity was another concept of the past century that people used to really value. Before cell phones and Tinder, fake lips and airbrushed everything, people actually DATED. As in, men courted women. And didn't expect sex on the first date. They shared a milkshake with two straws and held hands (maybe) on the first date. Dating in 2016 is rough, and dating as a teenager or young adult in 2016 is even rougher. In place in romance (I'm talking basic stuff: opening the car door, giving compliments, not swearing in the presence of a lady) there is calling girls bitches and bragging about their skills in bed. It's a sign of the times but it doesn't have to be. It's easy to blame men for treating women poorly and telling them that they must look like a adult film star in order to be attractive or wanted. It's easy to say that men are pigs and only want one thing. But the truth is, we as women need to stand up and make a change. We have to stop accepting the text messages at 10pm to 'hang out' that really mean...well, you know. We have to say no to being called c-words and b-words in almost every song on the radio. We have to be okay with the Trent's and Hunter's of the world not liking us because we won't let them do Jello shots off our stomachs. We have to wait more than 3 dates to be intimate with a guy because, no wonder they don't respect or value our bodies if we give them away like they are nothing! Ladies; I don't mean to preach at you but you are ALL gorgeous. Your skin is soft, your hair is shiny and your legs are not covered in hair! Besides the obvious lady parts women possess, they also do pretty much all the things guys do while also managing makeup, hair, kids, undergarments, heels, fashion trends, staying in "shape," organizing chores/food/cleaning, and oh yeah, being the perfect daughter, student, employee and friend- all at the same time. Women are amazing and deserve to be treated as such in relationships but they must demand that. My mom once told me that people only treat you as good (or bad) as you let them. So don't let guys treat you with disrespect, period. I'm not advocating you demand diamonds or 5-star dinners every night, but you DO deserve phone calls, contact before and after a date (and not a week later), pasta dinners, and being okay with taking things slow. Because (and I'm quoting Maybelline here), you deserve it.

Work

The post below (in quotes) was written in 2011, a lot have things have changed since then. Nowadays I work just as much as my husband as a licensed therapist. I used to work crazy hours (12-15hr days of therapy, back to back sessions), waitressing on the weekends too. My other half did the same and we rarely saw each other. When we did, all we wanted to do was relax but we had to run errands and take care of 'practical' matters.' It was exhausting emotionally and mentally, and took a huge toll on our relationship for 2 years. For the past few months, we have scaled things back a lot and have been spending more time together. Now I realize that work is essential of course, but it's not what's most important. On your deathbed, will you wish for more time spent at the office or that you drove a BMW instead of a Toyota? Or will you remember all the times you stayed in with your kids, made dinner with your husband, or surprised your wife with tickets to her favorite artist? I think the latter. Also, work breeds temptations since you spend 80% of the day there, leading you to grow closer to your office mates than your spouse.

"So what happens when your partner works much more (or less) than you? That's the position I find myself in. I'm working part-time and going to school part-time. In other words, I've got lots of free time. My boyfriend on the other hand is busy; really busy. He's always going to work, meetings, social stuff. I feel so lazy compared to him. I try to be the best "wife" possible and do the laundry, cooking, and errand stuff for us. But often times I feel bad when he's dead tired heading off to work in the morning and I"m sitting on the computer enjoying a delicious pieced of whole wheat peanut butter toast. (my fave) I won't have a steady job until school is out so there's really nothing I can do, but still. I guess my best advice is that if this is your problem too, just be supportive of each other. Whether you work more or less than the other person, try to do the things they don't have time for. Trust me, they'll appreciate your extra help and return the favor when it's you who is working day and night. Just let each other know in some small way that all that hard work is appreciated. No one likes to feel taken for granted or not special."

I'm in a much different, much healthier place now than the past few years and from 2011 when I wrote the post above. Today I work hard Mon-Fri, but take the weekends to really be there with my friends and partner. Remember that life is all about balance and moderation. Too much time together or apart is not healthy; you lose the connection to each other that you need in order to stay in touch, captivated and feeling loved.

Traditional Gender Roles

So I know it's 2015 and women and men have more equality now than ever before. I love that women can be firefighters, astronauts, CEOs, whatever they want. (except president...yet, let's go Hilary!) I think that's great and I consider myself a feminist. But what I like about my relationship with my husband is that it's pretty darn traditional. I cook, clean, and do the laundry. (hence the blog name) This may seem like your relationship, or not. I have friends who split the household chores and others where the man does the cooking. It's all about whatever works for you as a couple. As long as you don't feel resentful cleaning the toilet or guilty not cooking, it's okay. Talk to each other about who does what around the house and form an agreement you both like. Sometimes I feel guilty about not working that much, but then I whip up a spicy-garlic-mustard-apricot pork tenderloin for his dinner and I realize he's lucky to have a live-in maid and cook!  Here's the recipe for that dish, which I improvised for dinner tonight:

SPICY GARLIC MUSTARD APRICOT PORK TENDERLOIN:

1. Buy a 1.5 lb pork tenderloin
2. Marinate it in a mixture of 1/2 a jar of apricot preserves, 1/2 a jar of whole grain garlic mustard, 4 chopped up Serrano chilies, 2 heaping tablespoons of garlic, and 2 tablespoons of oil. Split the mixture in half. Put half with the pork and save the other for dipping/glazing later. Let the pork sit in the mixture in the fridge for anywhere from 2 hrs to overnight
3. Put aluminium foil on a baking sheet and bake at 400 degrees for about 45 min. to an hour.
4. It's done when the pork is no longer pink in the middle. Let it sit for about 5 min and then cut and enjoy. Yum!! PS: I served this with orzo with garlic, oil, red peppers, and lemon juice

Missing Each Other

There are some couples who spend every night together. They eat dinner together, sleep together, talk or text throughout the day, and generally are in touch 24/7. That's all well and good, but sometimes there's such a thing as too much together time. When we first start dating someone, it's like magic. Uncovering someone else's secrets is intoxicating. What do they smell like? What kind of underwear do they wear? What's their favorite food and cocktail? What makes them tick? You see each other a few times a week and get giddy at the sight of a text with their name as the receiver. Flash forward 3 years and you get used to that new car smell. Relationships become so familiar that you don't see all the little things that make your partner special. That's why I am such a big believer in alone time; and friend time- apart from each other. Go to the movies alone, get drinks with your friends, take a trip somewhere...without your partner. It reinvigorates the relationship to not be attached at the hip. It gets you excited to see your love if you haven't already heard about their day in 15 texts. In case you haven't guessed I'm a car freak. So, here's another car metaphor to describe a long-term relationship. If you have a gorgeous Porshe sitting in your garage and you drive it everyday, after awhile it won't make your heart race anymore. But if you take it out for a long drive once a week, it's more of an experience you look forward to. Everything gets old if you do it all the time (including sex). So if things are getting kind of old between you and your mate, try  missing each other. It makes the time you do spend together that much more special.

Compliments

"You look great baby; wow am I lucky to have you!" That is one sentence I rarely hear from my husband. A lot of men are like this. They don't notice your new highlights, $150 jeans, or that you spent two hours getting ready. It's not that they don't appreciate when you look good, it's just that they aren't as vocal as women. Girls will scream, "OMG girl, love the red lips; you look hot!" They'll notice everything from your cute coral nail polish to your new Marc Jacobs purse. Men just see the overall picture and mostly keep their comments to themselves. It may seem annoying sometimes that he doesn't compliment you much (especially if you're the type, like myself, to always tell your man how handsome he looks) but just because he doesn't say it out loud doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. Just like saying "I love you," women will often say it much more than their mates. Also, remember that while he may not compliment you when you're looking sexy in a black mini dress, he also doesn't criticize you when you're sitting around in your dirty sweats with unbrushed hair, glasses and no makeup. He loves you and thinks you're beautiful no matter what- really. Don't expect him to notice the small stuff (cute or ugly). It's like men see the world without their contacts and women have Lasik-perfect vision. It may be annoying to get more praise from your girls than your boyfriend, but at 7:00am when I look like the "before" pictures on Extreme Makeover, I'd much rather be seen through foggy eyes than 20/20 vision.

Getting Turned Down

Sometimes you and your partner may be totally in sync when it comes to sex. With one passionate look, the two of you know- it is on! That's great when it happens, but what if it doesn't? No one likes to be rejected when it comes to getting busy. Sometimes you initiate, sometimes your partner does, and rejection is bound to occur on both sides. It's completely normal to get upset when this happens to you. It's hard not to take it personally when your lover is choosing to sleep, watch TV, or just relax instead of doing you. But being "in the mood" is merely that- a mood. Stress, medication, lack of sleep, eating too much, not feeling sexy, and being too hot or cold can all affect your libido.  While it's easy to get offended if you're turned down, try to remember that just because he/she didn't want to have sex this moment doesn't mean that: 1. They don't love you  2. They don't find you sexually attractive  3. Something is wrong with your relationship. Sometimes, it's just sex and they're just not in the mood. Relax and remember that there will always be another time. Unless this is a pattern and it's really hurting your relationship, you don't have to worry about the occasional mood swing. Don't pout if you don't get your way, that's not sexy. Going with the flow and doing your own thing is much more attractive. Making your partner feel guilty for not being intimate with you also won't help you get some loving in the future. Often women who initiate a lot more than their partners might make their men feel emasculated, so laying off for awhile gives the guys a shot at taking charge. Men getting rejected by their partners is also very common, and when it happens it's normal for a guy to feel a little bummed. If you're rejected for sex, try a quick kiss, say "That's okay babe," and go do something else. Don't let it get to you. Confidence about yourself and your relationship is extremely alluring, insecurity is not. Who knows, he or she might just surprise you next time.

Drunk Talk

How do you act when you drink? Are you happy, angry, emotional? Some girls will turn into free-spirited strippers after too many Cape Cods, while others drunk-dial old loves to reminisce about what went wrong. Other gals get angry and spew insults at their boyfriends. Do you think alcohol makes you more of who you are or does it distort your personality? Either way, drinking is both a fun and dangerous activity to do with your partner. It lowers your inhibitions, so no matter what kind of drunk you are, you do tend to open up more. Intense, deep conversations may occur only when you're buzzed and it's not so scary to talk about marriage or your fear of dying. You can use these opportunities to really connect with your partner in a good way. But the flip side of this coin is the arguments and tears that alcohol can also bring. More truthful conversations can bring up dormant issues that only lead to arguments. So, what do you do when you want to get drunk with your lover but avoid any unpleasant memories the next morning? My best advice is (just like drinking with your buddies) pace yourself. Don't get so plastered that your man has to babysit you. Double-fist it with a drink in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Trust me, it will benefit you in the future when you actually remember that you said "I love you" for the first time. No one ever said, "Man, I wish I had that third shot of Patron instead of water!" Because drinking can add sexy memories to date night, or it can add tears and toilets. That's up to you.

Be Nice

Just a quick post today. This is some of the best advice I've learned in school- heck, that I've learned in life. No matter how angry you are, how sad, how furious, how betrayed, etc., remember one thing: Be nice. This is a person you love. So be nice to each other, no matter how hard that is. I'm not saying don't be honest, don't share how you feel. But don't call someone demeaning names or treat them like garbage. You will thank yourself later, trust me. If you're ending your relationship, you'll be the better person for it. And if you're just in a fight, you'll recover a lot faster if you haven't really hurt your partner's feelings. Because no matter how much they say they forgot you called them that...they didn't. And you know they'll bring it up someday, which will cause another fight. You wouldn't treat a stranger like that, so why is it okay to treat your lover that way? So remember to just be nice, no matter how hard it is.